Gratitude at Home

This is such a wonderful time of year.  As we look forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas we can get downright giddy with excitement!  It's interesting that here, in the Northern Hemisphere, these special holidays come as nature assaults us with bone chilling wind, rain and snow.  The contrast, as we step into the warmth of home, can give us an especially keen sense of appreciation.  Add to that the smell of homemade soup, pie, and other seasonal foods that might be filling the air, and we feel even more embraced in cozy warmth and comfort.  At this time of year, home takes on an almost magical air, and we wish we could feel these feelings all year long.  So, today's question is:

How can I encourage gratitude at home? 

Have you ever noticed that it can be much easier to feel grateful and be a good example when you are out in public?  Home should be our haven, right?   In reality, it is often the place where stress levels are high and we forget our manners: kids are being kids (i.e. noisy and rambunctious), tempers flare, and patience seems hard to come by.  Here are a dozen simple ideas for changing the atmosphere and restoring peace and gratitude:

• Make the bed for a family member who was in a hurry this morning.  If you have time, leave a note.  Something simple like:  "The bed making fairy was here."
• Talk to your child about the day he or she was born, and the excitement you felt with his arrival.
• Put the children to bed early (or leave them with a neighbor) and make your wife a candlelight dinner.  Keep the conversation positive and focused on what's important to her.
• Fix your husband breakfast and bring it to him in bed.  Discuss his plans for the day.
• Ask your spouse or child what his/her most cherished dream is.  Consider how you can help it come true.
• Find a jar, decorate it, and place some positive words inside, each on a seperate slip of paper:  happy; smile; thanks; fortunate; beautiful; capable; friendly; appreciated;  peaceful; nurturing; accomplished; abundant, etc.  Remove one word each day and use it in your conversations.
• Have a special family night where everyone is given the opportunity to express one thing they admire about each family member.  No one is allowed to repeat what someone else has said. Sit in a circle and let everyone take a turn.  When our children were growing up we did this once or twice a year. 
• Read bedtime stories instead of watching television.
• Work side by side with your child doing household chores.  Talk about your child's day, or take time to express some things you notice and admire about him/her. 
• Have a one-on-one ice cream date with a child or your spouse.
• Sing songs together
• Play a game one-on-one with another family member, or as a family.

Make it a habit to mix these and other ideas into your weekly routine.  They will help create an atmosphere of love and appreciation that is a gift, not just during the holidays, but throughout the year!       

Why all the Negativity?

I hope everyone had a relaxing and refreshing weekend.  Our family made plans for our Thanksgiving dinner.  We are getting together with some of our children and grandchildren to share a great meal, a warming fire, and some games.  I am so looking forward to a really special Thanksgiving celebration!

As I promised, I will be answering questions about gratitude, and the one I'm answering today brings up an issue that I think a lot of us struggle with:

Why do I so often feel negative instead of grateful?

I hope my answer will give you some insight, and maybe some solace.  

It’s a sad fact that it’s easier to dwell on the negative than the positive.  Two specific reasons for this come to mind.  First, according to Professor Clifford Nass of Stanford University, negative and positive information are processed in different hemispheres of the brain and negative information, apparently, gets more attention as it requires more thinking.  It is, in fact, processed more thoroughly than positive information.  Therefore, it is remembered longer and is more easily recalled.  An acquaintance of mine who writes books on relationships and best business practices, tells me that emotions are processed in an area of the brain called the amygdala.  This area registers threats in a way that is designed to protect us from harm.  It does not differentiate between a major threat or a menace that is fairly inconsequential.  The amygdala's job is to register negative experiences and their emotions in order to alert us to danger and keep us from getting hurt.  So, don’t be too hard on yourself if you tend toward seeing the negative more readily than the positive in life. It is your body's built in defense system.  However, if not controlled, this inclination to see the negative could get out of hand.  Fortunately, there are strategies for regulating this instinctive response and, where appropriate, replacing it with positive thoughts and gratitude.  I'll list some ideas in a moment.

A second reason we focus on the negative is due to signals we receive from the media around us. Advertising plays a huge role in our lives.   The things of the world are constantly paraded before us:  luxury cars, exotic vacations, gourmet foods, expensive clothing and perfumes, homes with every amenity we could dream of.   It’s all presented in a way that leads us to believe that having these “things” will instantly make us happier, more successful, and more popular.  However, studies have found that these things do not really improve our sense of happiness.  It is our relationships and our sense of gratitude for life's blessings that bring us happiness and fulfillment.

The Hebrew term for gratitude is hakarat hatov, which means, literally, "recognizing the good."  As we attempt to overcome the natural role our brain plays in recognizing the negative and alerting us to it, and the heavy role that advertising plays in our lives, gratitude will help to set our feet on a path to appreciation and happiness.  It will help us to train our brains to recognize the good and focus more attention on it. As we regularly engage in positive, grateful thoughts, we will develop a pattern of appreciation that will become a part of our nature.  

There are, literally, thousands of reasons to feel positive and to focus on the good.  So, don’t accept that you were “just born that way” and can’t overcome the tendency to dwell on the negative.  YOU CAN!  Honing your sense of gratitude will help you every step of the way!

Here are a few ideas for getting started:

•      Serve someone in need.  There is nothing like visiting with a shut in, bringing a treat to someone who is lonely, helping at a food pantry or soup kitchen, or volunteering at the local hospital.  These acts of kindness help us to gain perspective on our own problems, and recognize how really blessed we are!

•          Surround yourself with friends!  People who have a social network of friends are more inclined to be happy than those who don’t.  There are so many good times to share; so many memories to make!  Friends can help us have the courage to try new things, go new places, and stretch ourselves in ways we wouldn’t if we were alone.  Plus, there is nothing like a friend when we need someone to confide in, or to help us through a difficult time.  We weren’t meant to go through life alone.  So, I’ll say it again:  Surround yourself with friends!

• ·         Reconnect with the child you once were.  One of the attributes I admire about my oldest son is that he is still connected to the kid inside.  He's a favorite with nieces and nephews because he knows how to have fun.  There is just something so charming, attractive and wonderful about the person who can relax and relate to the world with the eyes and heart of a child. Every once in a while, let go a little and allow yourself to blow a BIG bubble with a piece of bubble gum. Color a picture in your kid's coloring book (then stop to smell the fragrance of the crayons on the paper). Blow soap bubbles with your kids or grandkids and notice the iridescence of each delicate orb just before it bursts.  Jump on a big piece of bubble wrap just to hear it POP, or sing at the top of your lungs!  Reconnect with that joyful part of your being.  It really is still there, inside you, and it will be thrilled to be let out for a while.  And you will be grateful for the joy you feel as you allow yourself the pleasure of truly experiencing the connectedness to life as you once knew it!

• ·     No matter how crazy life is, take care of yourself every day.  Take time to be still, to reflect, to relax a little, and to pray.  Fifteen focused minutes a day works wonders.   If you only have five minutes, that is certainly better than nothing!  Breathe deeply and reflect on the good in life.  Research shows that as you take time for gratitude, your heart rate will improve.  You will sleep better, and you will experience more happiness.  All for an investment of a few focused minutes a day!